One incredibly hot southern summer day, on break from college, my mom and I stepped into a Kirkland’s shop. Home decor shopping was her new favorite thing and I just enjoyed being out of the house for a bit. We flipped through pictures and touched knick knacks. When I reached the aisle of wall art, I happened upon a long, white canvas full of black words in different sizes and fonts. It started with the words, “This is your life, find your passion and pursue it.” It goes into detail about beautiful ways to live a full and happy life. The canvas has hung on my wall in my college apartment and then again in my first adult apartment. It appeared again when I moved back home and then again in my apartment today. It will have a place somewhere in my new house. It has followed me through many chapters and destinations; it has been a constant for me. It has been a steady reminder to always chase the life that you want to live and never settle. To find the thing that sets your soul on fire and that you can’t stop thinking about. The thing that fills a void within you and brings you energy that renews you even if it expends energy. Because it is worth it.
It has been several months since I’ve checked in on my blog. Starting this project was something I was so excited about because the thing I did for fun and found joy in was writing poetry in colored notebooks, stories of fantasy, and free journaling. I wanted to put some of those musings out into the world. I’m not a creative person, I’m not trained as a writer, but I can find beauty in words. I can paint a picture with colors in the shapes of squiggly letters. Quarantine was supposed to be this time for creativity that I had desperately craved. Yet, it was a time of survival, of trying to keep our business afloat and hoping to keep my loved ones safe. It took a toll on me mentally more than I was even aware of, the day in and day out of stress and chaos and worry. I thought it was short term, we all did, but here we are 5 months later. We had a moment of seeing a light at the end of the tunnel and that was ripped away again. I honestly don’t know if life will ever feel normal again, if we’ll ever live in a time where it doesn’t feel like the world is ending constantly. I’ve found myself distracted and restless and anxious. All these feelings are emotional and normal but this has not been a conducive state to writing. So now I am setting out and putting words down. Good, bad, or indifferent, I need a reminder that this is a passion of mine, it brings me so much joy. It is not scary to hit publish on something that is imperfect because we are all a rough draft that we are constantly editing and improving upon. And more importantly, I write this blog for my future daughter and I want her to know that she doesn’t have to give the world the most perfect version of herself. That she is worthy no matter what she brings to the table and that she should always show up with a willingness to learn and grow. How can I tell her she is all of these things when I won’t even tell myself that?
So here it is, a quickly penned post and a commitment to myself. Sloppy and imperfect and not highly edited. Not rewritten over several days and then posted and then revisited again because I wanted it to be just right. Focusing so much on the details makes it a job and not something I do for fun, which was why I kept telling myself it was okay not to post as often because it was casual and fun. But that was honestly an excuse to not be consistent and that choice has consequences. This blog is fun, but it also shouldn’t be something that I brush off when I get busy or weighed down with life. It is important, as important as the things I do instead of this. This is my life, this is my passion and I must pursue it.