I started this post at the beginning of January. The start of 2020 brought me so many new thoughts and ideas when it came to blogging. But as I sat down to write on this particular topic, I simply could not find the words. This topic was important, I was so very passionate about it and I had to get it right. I strictly try to prevent myself from overthinking and getting stuck on a topic because then I’m not really moving the needle forward on this blog project. But what I now know is that the reason I was struggling so much with writing this post was that I needed to have a certain experience before I could put these thoughts out there and I am thankful that I can now share with you the words I was meant to.
Let me take you back in time. On October 20th, 2017, I had my first date with Kyle. We talked and we laughed and dinner quickly turned into a trip to play pool (yes, he beat me, even with him trying to help me win), which then turned into drinks and talking for hours. What I thought would be a short first date turned into a 4 hour adventure. We were instantly inseparable. Six months in to our relationship, we made the decision to move into an apartment together and we learned so much about each other. But then we hit the span of being a year into our relationship and then 2 years in. We were happy and thriving as a couple, yet we were constantly bombarded with questions about when we were getting engaged, married, buying a house, having babies. While all questions that were asked with good intentions, at times it felt like everyone around us was constantly trying to rush our relationship forward, like it wasn’t valid unless we hit certain milestones.
I would be lying to you if I said I didn’t struggle or feel anxious at times when asked these harmless questions. I couldn’t understand why I felt this way and I’m ashamed to say that at times I projected these anxious thoughts onto Kyle. Why did this bother me so much? I always fumbled when asked when we would be engaged and my answer always changed. I ultimately felt awkward, like there was something wrong with our relationship because we hadn’t made the decision to take this step together yet. I came home crying to Kyle a couple of times, wondering why he was never asked these questions. Over time, I would reply with something snarky or a sarcastic quip because I was annoyed. We were happy! Our relationship had high moments and lower ones, but dammit we were happy and thriving and setting goals and we were GREAT. But no one ever asked me if we were happy or great.
I’m not the first woman who has ever experienced this. In fact every single one of my friends expresses that they have been asked similar questions or once they do take a big step in their relationship, they’re immediately rushed to the next milestone. Why? Why do we as a society do this? I’m guilty of it too, but I didn’t realize how much it’s a pattern and how acceptable it is when in reality, it’s NONE OF ANYONE’S BUSINESS. It’s not anyone’s business when a couple chooses whether or not they want to get married and when that time will be. It’s not anyone’s business if someone does or does not want to have children. It is not anyone’s business when any of these moments are right for a couple to step into, that is their decision and theirs alone. We all have this arbitrary timeline where we think things are supposed to happen and when they don’t, we feel entitled to ask these deeply personal questions.
There is no such thing as a perfect timeline. Life is not linear, we are not all meant to walk the same path. If we did, how epically boring would that be? I’ve spent the last few years chasing some big dreams and accomplishing some awesome goals. While I am lucky to have had a partner supporting me, none of those things I’ve accomplished have anything to do with my relationship. And I am so very proud of what I have achieved and helped create and build. But yet I was rarely asked to talk about those moments. It took a lot of personal growth and learning to feel confident in myself, to find peace in the course that my life was taking, and to know that everything I wanted would happen for me in the exact perfect season that it was supposed to. And this allowed me to accept these questions with grace and confidence instead of anxiety.
The reason I was meant to wait to write this post was because on January 21st, 2020, Kyle got on one knee and asked me to spend forever with him. It was perfect, it was a dream come true, it was everything I had hoped it would be. And it wasn’t meant to happen a single second sooner than it did. Okay, I’m sure you’re thinking, “Hannah, it’s easy for you to say. You’re engaged and you have someone to love.” You’re right, it’s easy for people who have reached the goal to look back and say that it was worth the wait. But I wasn’t meant to be engaged to Kyle any sooner because I needed time to grow and to become the version of myself that was ready to be a wife. I was meant to have certain life experiences and we were meant to face challenges as a couple that would help us prepare for the next chapter of our lives. Each person has a timeline that is right for them and when things don’t work out or fall apart, it’s not because you’re being punished. It is not because something is wrong with you. You have to trust that what is meant for you will be and things will happen for you in the absolute perfect timing. It wasn’t until I learned how to relax and view things through a different lens that I truly found joy in the day to day moments that were leading me towards the next step I would take in life. Everything will happen the way it is supposed to. All in good time.